I’m wondering what the basic tenets of a foolproof schematic that’d guide me through life would be. No doubt, it’d probably take my very essence to follow such a blueprint, but I’ve always believed that such a schematic would only serve two purposes: to remind you of your weaknesses, and to steer you away from your bad habits. Looking at my list of New Year’s Resolutions as well as my own underachievement levels in the past, I gather that a list of daily reminders to lead me through life in a steadfast manner would look something like this:

1. Don’t be lazy; stay fully committed to the task at hand.
2. Don’t procrastinate. You do want your sleep, don’t you? God loves a planner.
3. ‘Goreng‘ is not a food group.
4. You shouldn’t really smoke, lest you intend to hit the big C, or better yet, light a stogie for Satan when you go.
5. Be nice to your mother. Always breathe and count to 10 whenver she snaps for no reason.
6. Your father is not an asshole. He’s just got a massive stick up his rectum. But you know you love him, no matter what.
7. Don’t be distracted by her shoes.
8. Stop buying unncessary items. Sushi isn’t cheap. Even if it’s 20% off after 9:00 p.m.
9. Stop starting at other girls. You already have someone waiting at home.
10. Be polite to those around you; ass-kissing is used to polish asses, after all.
11. Being anal stinks.
12. Everyone likes you, even if they don’t mention it.

That last one scares me, but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to be shelf my self-consciousness permanently. No matter how hard your heart is towards perceptions, there’s always a gremlin or two that picks at your insecurities. It’s all in your/my/our heads.

Come to think of it, I was an incredibly timid person up to the time I turned 14. Everything went apeshit from there, which I’m quite happy for…because apeshit is better than quaint. I haven’t been living to expectations, and I’m rather proud of it…there’s something obviously wrong with that. Maybe it was some desire to work against the system, but now I suppose that the quiet resignation sets in that you can only properly fight the system once you’re integrated into it. Or something to that extent.

Either way, I’m so tired of all this. To paraphrase a song, I wish some form of relief would wrap itself around me like a warm glove and fill me up with a bit of radiance. But it doesn’t get any easier from here, does it?

What a drag.

Layer One: On The Outside
Name: Tai Foo Hing
Birth Date: August 4th, 1983
Current status: Grounded for life.
Eye Colour: Dark brown
Hair Colour: Black
Righty or Lefty: Right-handed.

Layer Two: On The Inside
Your Heritage: 1/2 Chinese – Hakka, 1/8th Portuguese, 1/8th Japanese, 1/8th Irish, 1/3 Singaporean, 1/3 Shanghainese. I’m terrible at fractions…which is why I’m only truly 1/2 Chinese.
Your Fears: Death and baldness. Giant spiders. Being squashed by a Sumo wrestler. Jesus chasing after me in the dark.
Your Weaknesses: Girly abs, belly dancers, pretty faces, ditzy girls with funny accents and flesh-baring wenches.
Your Perfect Pizza: Topped with a belly dancer with girly abs, a pretty face, who’s ditzy, speaks with a funny accent, who’s also consequently a flesh-baring wench…covered with cheese.

Layer Three: Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow
Your Thoughts First Waking Up: Going back to sleep again.
Your Bedtime: I have issues, therefore I have trouble sleeping.
Your Most Missed Memory: Riding on the back of a pack of dolphins, with the water splitting beneath me, while having Neptune’s daughter sucking me off. What bliss.

Layer Four: Your Pick
Pepsi or Coke: Coke. Because Pepsi isn’t the Real Thing.
McDonald’s or Burger King: McDonald’s. Because it makes me happy.
Single or Group Dates: Single. Because I despise loose change.
Adidas or Nike: Adidas. Because I get more bang for my buck. Nike is for poseurs. Adidas is for people who know. Though if this were open, I’m beginning to opt for Puma’s branding. It’s all about marketing, baby.
Tea or Nestea: Tea.
Chocolate or Vanilla: Vanilla. Because eating shit is for the apes.
Cappuccino or Coffee: Coffee. Because admitting to drinking cappucinio is like admitting I like smelling flowers on the way out the door.

Layer Five: Do You…
Smoke: Yes. Keep your daughters away from me.
Curse: Yes. Keep your sons away from me.
Think you’ve been in love: Yes.
Go to school: Nope.
Want to get married: Yes. Because they make it look so fun.
Believe in yourself: Yes. Because I am the sum of all beers.
Think you’re a health freak: Nope. Although for a fat guy, it’s miraculous that I can jog for 7 kilometers without flinching. I also run faster than anyone I know. Almost anyone. Now you have to decide which one’s the lie.

Layer Six: In The Past Month Have you…
Drank alcohol: I can’t. I have a liver condition that severely restricts my alcohol consumption. I won’t die if I drink, but I’d live to regret it very badly.
Gone to the mall: Yes. I have better tastes than most women I know.
Been on stage: No. There wasn’t time to prepare my black leather burlesque costume. Hurrah for cabarets and Dita Von Teese.
Eaten sushi: Yes. My family owns a Japanese restaurant.
Dyed your hair: No. But I consider streaking my hair silver, in commemoration with the 15th anniversary of Aaron Kwok’s appearance as Silver Fox in the first Saviour of the Sword movie.

Layer Seven: Have You Ever…
Played A Stripping Game: Oh, naughty.
Changed Who You Were To Fit In: No. Maybe. I doubt it. I think everyone changes, but not everyone does it to fit in. That’d be too easy.

Layer Eight: You’re Hoping
To Be Married: …because I can have sex for free on a daily basis. Marx was right: unpaid labour, indeed.
For a: …great life, because I might not deserve it as much as you but will probably find a way to cheat people to get there faster.

Layer Nine: In a Girl/Guy
Best Eye + Best Hair Color Combination: Blonde with green eyes. Hah.
Short Hair or Long Hair: A Brazillian. Oh, you meant up there. (Cue drum roll and audience groans.)

Layer Ten: What Were You Doing
1 Min Ago: This survey.
1 Hour Ago: Sleeping.
4.5 Hours Ago: Sleeping.
1 Year Ago: Sleeping.

Layer Eleven: Finish The Sentence
I Love: …my baby mama.
I Feel: …like chicken tonight.
I Hide: …a pack of condoms in the bookcase coz that’s the last place they’d look.
I Miss: …therefore, I shoot.
I Need: …Pilates.

After another night at JamAsia, I’m quite heated up about performing in front of people.

The problem is, I always catch this feeling…only to see it ebb away after a day or so.

You, dear friends, can make this a reality, though. Scourge through my list of songs and tell me which ones you’d like to see me perform…or destroy. And I’ll consider it. I’ve already got one song in mind (which is the easiest to perform, no less), and that would be Why. For those of you not in the country, there’s always YouTube.

I just wish we could have a nice, long, intimate jam session dedicated solely to covers, no matter how inane the cover may be.

10 things that you walk out with after watching 300.

1. A sudden urge to go to the gym.
2. Chanting the Spartan rallying cry every 10 seconds or so.
3. Seeing things in slow motion, zooming in on them, zooming out and then having them sped up again.
4. Wanting to protect your brother-at-arms on the left at all times.
5. Hoping that your baby boys won’t be thrown down a mountain for being less than perfect.
6. Never seeing an apple in the same way again.
7. Knowing that baldness risks leading to effiminacy.
8. The preconceived notion that hunchbacked underachievers will always betray you. No matter how kind you are to them.
9. Wishing your woman was a Spartan one.
10. The desire to grow a fine, thick beard.

Women will love 300 for the beautiful men. Men will love 300 because…it’s really a man’s movie. As juvenile as it sounds, it’s just fucking cool. There’s no need for a deep review on historical (in)accuracies. There’s no need for a debate on creative licensing. Let’s not argue over how it’s a statement on the current global climate.

It’s a story about a bunch of blokes who stood up for themselves and their beliefs, and protecting them to the very end.

And that’s all there is to it, in the end.

I’m pressed for time because I’ve got to send my father to KL Sentral, so here’s a list.

1. My father will be in Tokyo and Taiwan for three weeks, which, of course, might naturally be prolonged to a month.
2. May Ann’s leaving on Friday night, and not on Saturday night as previously surmised. I will, however, be going to Paolo’s gig…because KLIA’s really far, the music should be alright, I’m a good mate, I like pins that come with a RM 12 cover charge, and I want my Jamiroquai DVD and Beatles’ tracks. (Not to mention the fact that I’m petrified of her father; old men who’re significantly taller than me freak me out.)
3. In relation to #2, I really do love my girlfriend.
4. I’ve passed International Business Management…with a Pass. A mediocre performance, but I couldn’t care less. Three more subjects left before I’m let out into The Wild.
5. Both my cars are fully loaded with fuel.
6. I’m worried that I’ll talk to my children as if they’re perpetually 7 years old. Even when they’re 25.
7. I like Ribena.
8. If I push hard enough, I might get a Wii.
9. Lists are redundant.
10. I’d do Helen Mirren. As she is now.

I should don a scarf and get a mod trim after yesterday’s Bazooka gig at Laundry, but in retrospect, I’m unable to see how much life there is left in the retro-revival. It was alright for the first few years, but now it’s burning twice as bright, which means that it’ll be snuffed out twice as quickly. Seeing how it’s only reaching adolescence after a hard infancy here in myopic Malaysia, it’s still good…but (possibly ruffling Lezel’s feathers here) Bittersweet are not the greatest band in Malaysia…simply because Sic was ahead of its time in looking back to the future.

Though it’s rather belated, I’d choose the following ten songs for a setlist for a nice, intimate Valentine’s gig.

1. Lenny Kravitz – I Belong To You
2. Marvin Gaye – Let’s Get It On
3. Al Green – Let’s Stay Together
4. 311 – Love Song (and not the Cure original)
5. The Police – Every Breath You Take
6. U2 – The Sweetest Thing
7. Sheryl Crow – D’yer Mak’er (and not the Led Zep original)
8. Morrisey – The More You Ignore Me
9. INXS – Never Tear Us Apart
10. The Beatles – If I Fell

It’s either considered eclectic or pure rubbish. But I think a Valentine’s gig should represent all the different factions in the game of…love: the loved, the forlorn, the lonely and the stalkers.