Eight Rules For Cynics in Love.

I can be an incredibly emotional mess at very odd times.  I attribute it to my belief in unicorns, silver elephants and rainbows.  Especially rainbows.  Which is strange, because you wouldn’t have to believe in rainbows based on the simple fact that they’re real.


These last few months have sort of been met by a topsy-turvy mehness that can’t really be remedied.  I’ve tried everything — stout, cigarettes, video gaming and watching that Sarah Marshall movie countless times.  And since I doubt that I’d be dropping any of these vices anytime soon (especially that last one), I’ve come up with a sporadic list of rules that we can all protect ourselves with in the light that we’re all true cynics at heart…a role that I’m sort of relishing at this precise moment.

Rule #1: There is no such thing as The One. That person of your dreams will be taken away from you, be it through a strange, Bizarro version of yourself, or death.  You should never try to extend yourself more than what is feasible, because there’s no way to measure the efficacy of someone being the one.  Which leads us to….

Rule #2: Never fully invest yourself into someone. Save a bit of space for yourself, because there’s no way that opposing forces can gently brake in the middle.  Everyone’s got their limits.  And someone is bound to take a bigger chunk of you away, rather than vice versa.  This point should be underscored by a tenfold for romantic sobs like me.  Which, then leads to…

Rule #3: If a siren goes off in your head, walk away. There might be an incredibly, incredibly dodgy situation that you have to back yourself out of.  Maybe they eat their boogers too often.  Maybe they sniff their freshly trimmed-off toenails.  If something feels wrong, then be fleet-footed and head for the double doors.  It’d save you time.  And a good deal of grief.

Rule #4: Never admit to someone that you love them.  Even if you do. Let them say it first.  Because once that’s out in the open, at least there’s a strange consensual mumbo-jumbo chemistry dab of feeling there that you’ve got a foundation to build a vague future on.  Hold on to admitting your feelings — because, well, frankly, feelings die.  And so will you.

Rule #5: Sex makes everything great; but don’t have too much of it. It’s true.  What happens after  your endless bonking?  Are you really prepared to take a leap of faith into figuring out if there could be anything more meaningful?  Half of us fall into the category of people who’re willing to make things work.  And the other half, well…that leads us to:

Rule #6: Make your partner work for you. Regardless of whether it’s a physical thing, or if it’s a emotional thing — I feel that I’ve let some people down previously, but likewise, I’ve been let down as well.  It just happens.  But you have to take the reins once in a while and be the better man.  Um.  Woman.  Whatever.

Rule #7: When two people want to do something, then they’re just going to do it. Doesn’t mean that things will be better in the morning.  But, y’know, just do it.  Things might work out great.  (I feel incredibly undignified to myself for saying this, though.)

Rule #8: Don’t attempt to wake people up from whatever weird catatonic state they’re in. Just be a douche and assume that you really are a better person.  Because if they can simply change their minds and hop onto the next train without considering the amount that you’re willing to give, you’re obviously bound for a rock bottom experience sooner.  Just wish them the best, tell them to fuck off and just go along your merry way of assembling a crew to topple some East European dictatorship.  You’ll feel better soon enough.

These are rules that I’m going to try to live by — the fun part is that I’m the one who’s setting them.

Cover yourself.  It’s a lot easier that way.