so. christmas is over. and the new year is more or less literally around the corner. another year gone by; another year to screw up. the mistakes that you’ve made this year will be repeated, along with new mistakes that you never thought you could make. and among all these mistakes, regrets, apologies, tears, pain, anger, anxiety, desire.

everything will go wrong.

…but it’s all rather enjoyable, no?

i’m writing this offline. i’m too lazy to connect. the sounds of a modem buzzing and humming about are such a turn-off.

right now it’s…3:20 a.m. on christmas eve. i was about to type about how christmas is being exploited and how santa isn’t meant to be red [thank you, li vern] and how most of the great christmas songs that we hear today were written only about 50 years ago, as opposed to the timeless classics from yonder that we think that they are. indeed! norah jones. 22 year old prodigy. love the album. hate the fact that only three of the songs are written by her. oh, well. better luck next time. besides, she could’ve closely collaborated yada yada yada. why am i up at 3:21? easy. never have instant noodles at 1 a.m. no matter how #@$#% hungry you are. ooo…just sneezed oodles onto the monitor. not exactly. i’ll probably go to sleep soon…that, or lay my dear tummy to rest, whichever one comes first. i have to go out early at about 8 and withdraw some money to pay for the reloading of my handphone line. arghh. i use too much, too fast. sad, isn’t it? just hope that the bank is open…otherwise, it’s gonna be a very short trip. oh, and i have to pay for gas to. money’s a gas.

christmas eve. i never really did celebrate christmas. i’ll be spending dinner [hopefully] with li vern’s family. free food!…i hope he’s reading this. you’re still my little brother, man, no matter how mature and wise you’ve become. you are the gandalf to my saruman. i am like the wind. two steps ahead, if not one. i am flexible. i am everywhere. i am…dang, just farted.

what’s with all the feng tao dance music? and why’m i listening to it at this hour?

but seriously…i don’t really know what you can ah beng and ah lian subculture. i mean…it’s like they’re not quite hongkie and not quite jap. and we always view them as inarticulate, uncultured folk who usually yell into their cell phones in cantonese and cuss and swear all the time…but if you saw the same kind of person in oz, he or she would probably be the opposite. therefore…foreign bengs and lians…i salute you. and local ones…i salute you for your individualism. i went into uni today wearing a che guevara t-shirt…wordings are all in portuguese. didn’t get notice because of it. i should try wearing my ski cap. maybe that’d make me noticed. i don’t get noticed much. dammit. i need attention. and i have it.

ooo…i think i’m getting tired. brain cells starting to run dry.

i only have two black rebel motorcycle club songs in my winamp playlist. but i can say that they sound awfully raw and gritty. good stuff. while i, i sing like a girl. i have a great falsetto and i can sorta hold it this side of barry gibb. i wish i had a manlier voice. ocean colour scene’s riverboat song was sorta a testament to my abilites, but in the end, i wanna be a malaysian chink who sings jazz-rock in MALAYSIA. i had this thought…that if [sic] can’t get recognized for being brilliant in kl, we just go down to singapore. if we can embrace ferhad…i think that [sic] can be loved by the lion city. or we’d just get deported. your choice.

———-

now it’s later in the morning. it’s almost 9. i was sleeping for about…4 hours…or less…then i woke up [duh]. went to the bank to withdraw the money. the only problem is, i can’t seem to get digi reloads anywhere now. ugh. 7-11 didn’t have them. which is something that i’m getting used to, because 7-11 never seems to have them. i know that giving us a slip of paper with the 12 digit reload code is meant to cut costs, but could they just make the distribution of the reload cards uniform? that’d do us all a favour. but i’m just being nitpicky.

enough.

mmm…hartz chicken buffet in sunway pyramid…it’s sort of like a home away from home. i went there regularly…sort of…when i was in taylor’s. since college was sorta close-by, it was a good pitstop. the rules are simple…RM 13.90 for adults, and for two hours, it’s all you can eat. the chicken there is heavenly…and they have a salad bar and another place for side dishes and the like. and good iced lemon tea. not bad at all. i tried going there just now…but being a sunday, it’s a bit foolish. went to mcd’s instead. *sigh* i guess that i’ll have my chance. hartz is a place where i can sit down with a friend or two and be philosophical…something that i can’t really be in any other restaurants. special behaviour for a special place, i suppose. all in all, hartz is a good place to be.

my dreamcast seems to be my best friend. it doesn’t talk back, obeys my commands and makes me happy and satisfied. though it seems that i never have the time to play with it. it’s raining heavily outside now…my pudgy frame is getting even pudgier due to the rain. no football. no kids on the field. no activity.

pudginess prevails. no fun.

all this talk about food is making me hungry. that sounds sad, but i can smell the scents of cooking oil upstairs. dammit. if only kl wasn’t so crowded…ah, well.

all it ever does is rain.

well, then…my fingers are tired. this is what i get for being inactive. it sucks.

so…here we are on a sunday morning. i remember sunday mornings as the mornings that i’d wake up early into…then i’d get a lift from ruby or someone to go to church and perform…or just attend. those days have long past…i definitely still do believe in God strongly…just that the church bit is a bit…tedious. i know…it’s blasphemy, but i deny that i’m backsliding. maybe this is just a bit of a transitional period, but i’m just jaded with the idea of the chuch. i never said that i was a saint. most people play church politics and just pull their weight around…it’s so sad that sometimes, people don’t share the same viewpoint and seem to want the glory. i’m not going to be holier-than-thou [my participation these last 2 years are almost non-existent since i've been floating] but…think about why you’re up there on a state performing in the first place. well…to think of it, praise and worship is like rock ‘n roll…it’s like one big rock concert. only quieter. now, this sounds incredibly jaded, but…we really are selling something when we’re up there…but at the same time, we’re also letting something in.

“like a preacher stealing hearts on a travelling show” – “desire”, U2, rattle and hum (1989)

find out about the benefits about a chicken buffet…once i’m done in the bathroom.

well, well. so here i am again. it’s been about a month since i last wrote in this thing…and a few things have changed. the transition period from holiday to academics has been rather smooth…the fact that i’m only doing one subject currently sort of adds to the whole “ease of transition” thing. how’s marketing? marketing is fun…then again, i’ve got a lecturer that i’m quite familiar with, so it’s not that bad. but that’s just for this semester…which is a quick, 8-week toture session. sometimes i wonder why i bothered coming back…but some of you out there might know the answer. it’s been almost raining everyday since i came back…strikingly contrasting the weather in brazil. i can’t stand the rain…i don’t mind it raining at night, but if it rains in the late afternoon to the early evening, i can’t play football with kids whom i can sorta bully since i’m considerably bigger than them. some of them, anyway. speaking of which, children are such a pain. they make noise, cost you money, and they never feel grateful. i would know; i’m a child myself. which is why, looking at the hell that i give my darling parents, i might just not have children to save myself the heartache. save money; buy sports car and big house. marry wife. i know my stance will definitely change. i’m fickle that way. quite strange for a male, really…we’re supposed to know what we want and then take it…if it’s not available, we won’t settle for anything else or anything less. mmm.

this is my first time online. the other relatives living here in the house didn’t really understand that not paying a phone bill for three months disconnects the line…at least it disables the ability to call out. to add insult to injury, those nice people at telekom decided to keep the line cut even after i paid the full amount. oh, well, i shan’t complain…i’m back here once again with you, loyal reader[s]. mmm. well, paolo’s apparently written new music…i just got an sms message from him telling me about his most recent foray into the world of songwriting…an unabashedly commerical, poppy, acoustic track. we’re going emo. i can feel it. [sic] is progressing. or diverting. i’ve tried writing a few lyrics this past week. upon a second look, they don’t look all that strong. back to the drawing board.

i saw the coolest thing on tv just now…one of the videos for the phat family compilation. or at least it was the ONLY video for the phat family compilation. good stuff. the teh tarik crew kicks ass. yes, yes…i know it sounds lame, but there really is something going on for the local kuala lumpur music scene. i just know what’s going on around town…i don’t claim to know what’s happening in penang, besides blind tribe. anyway, it got me thinking about buying local albums for the sake of buying them. the phat family compilation is one. and i think i’ll get flop poppy’s album. now if anyone could be so helpful to tell me where i could purchase the records…

i’ve been living on instant noodles and mamak food. go figure. eat healthy? nah. i don’t think you need to eat healthy if you’re active…the whole point is to clear your arteries of any fat that you may have consumed…and you do that through cardiovascular exercise…so…i think i’m okay. pudgy, but okay. i might be trying to console myself here, but…what the heck, yea? i’m so happy today. it’s like i took too much prozac and became a better person because of it.

that’s all for now. i need to cook tom yam noodles.

here i am. about an hour or so before i leave this charming country for home. mmm. i haven’t slept for 2 days…well, if you count the 2 hours’ of sleep each morning, then i guess that i’ve technically been awake for 2 days. yea, well. i saw the dogs off at the cleaners’…it was heartbreaking. i love domingo. he’s my cocker. i’m a full-grown [that's putting it mildly] boy of 19 and here i am, lamenting over a dog. oh, woe, why did i not take the dog back with me to malaysia? well, i will be. domingo’s a black cocker [tsk, tsk, you dirty minds!] who has brown paws and brown fur on his underside. he’s got the face of a thinker…he’s quite a smart dog. he always manages to find a new way into the residence…and then there’re linda and julio. two small pooches…with a full body of fur…they’re the cutest. mmm. and the weather here is perfect…warm when it has to be, cold when it has to be. manomanoman. the wind chimes are playing another melody outside. ugh. i’ve been laying around the sofa and trying to get some shut eye. now i’m nicely dressed and waiting for the time to fly by. so…i guess it will.

i’ll be home for christmas [or a little before that],

baby, wait for me…ugh.

crazy stomach.

here’s a good thought. “hello sir”, by robbie williams.

————————————

Hello Sir, remember me?

I’m the man you thought I’d never be.

The boy who you reduced to tears,

Lad called ‘thingy’ for six whole years.

Yes, that’s right, my name’s Bob.

The one who landed the pop star’s job.

The one you told, look don’t touch,

The kid who wouldn’t amount to much.

Well, I’m here and you’re still there.

With a fake sports car and receding hair.

Dodgy Farah trousers that you think are smart.

Married to the woman who teaches art.

Married to the life, married to the school.

I wanna sing and dance Sir; now who’s the fool?

Sing and dance, you thought I was barmy.

Settle down thingy, join the army.

And who are you to tell me this?

The dream I want I’ll have to miss.

Sir is God, he’s been given the right,

To structure lives overnight.

Now I know life’s true path.

Tanks and guns, that’ll be a laugh

No, not me I’m a mega civilian,

I won’t lead my life riding pillion.

But thanks for the advice and I’m sure it’ll do;

For the negative dickheads just like you.

As for now I’ve a different weapon;

Stage and sceen is about to beckon.

And here I sit in first class.

Bollocks, Sir, kiss my arse…

———————————————

it’s beautiful really, if you’ve heard it. reading it doesn’t really do much. it might not be the best form of inspirational, but in its own morose way, it does inspire, doesn’t it? i leave that to you, i guess.

elvis. what a name. what an icon. everyone wanted to be him. and no one could. as it’s been pointed out to me by various people, elvis does have a very substantial share of female fans…it’s just that he also has a legion of male fans who greatly outnumber the women. and it’s not that they’re gay…it’s just that elvis was someone whom you had to admire. i think elvis was officially the world’s first rock star. he was all sex, drugs and rock ‘n roll…but he didn’t disappoint as an entertainer, even during his weaker later years. like i said, everyone wanted to be elvis…to a certain extent, i do, too. i’ve visited graceland before…but i was too young…but i think i was mouthing the guitar riff to heartbreak hotel. man. elvis made rock ‘n roll. a small town boy who came from rags to riches…it’s a story that inspires everyone, and i think what makes it all the more special is that he was a white man singing with a black voice. he crossed the line. like what eminem’s doing for hip-hop and rap; elvis did the same for rock ‘n roll. he made it commercially viable…not the viability that you find today…he made it work. he made us open our eyes. he was the king of rock ‘n roll…and no one’s ever going to replace him. the king is dead? hail to the king, baby.

thank y’all. thank y’all very much.

mmm…well, well…i’ve just gotten an address via icq. and here we are: . this belongs to my friend, justin. erm. he’s always got something to say. what kind of person is he? he’d probably push you over the ledge of the highest mountain ever and laugh about it. while you’re still falling. no, he’s a good guy, really…he drives the funkiest car and he’s got the coolest stuff. did i mention that he drives a funkiest car? anyway, check out his blog…i guess. ooo. free plug! free plug! i’m such a nice guy, dammit.

james bond. debonaire. suave. dashing. the right man for a job…any job. it’s a pity we don’t see him mopping, or cooking. i mean…what does james bond do when he isn’t out and about, galivanting and saving our world? what does he do when there’re no anarchists or megalomaniacs to destoy? wait…in simpler terms…when there’re no women to liberate, and no madmen to kill, what does james bond DO? does he do gardening? does he stay at home, exercise on the threadmill and watch bold and the beautiful reruns? mmm. the life of a secret agent is always shrouded in mystery…nevertheless, james bond will always live in our hearts.

next message: elvis.

right now i’m in my dad’s office, trying to figure out why it is that we watch news channels like cnn. i mean…i don’t really watch the news all that much, but when i do, it just seems that the facts are totally presented in a one view that seems to be conflicting everything else. it looks like nothing can be presented neutrally. it’s just so sad. and the worse thing is, most of us still watch the news anyway. we might realize that it’s biased, we might realize that it’s one big farce, but we keep on watching, anyway. it doesn’t matter what we think…we all still see the same things, anyway. right now there’s this discussion over the new chinese government that’s been installed…whether or not they’ll be any freedom for the chinese people to believe in democracy, and it’s quite hard to listen to all this. they’re two views…that china basically won’t change, and that china will change. i can’t really say anything about this…it just seems that everything’s so distorted. i mean…why do we even care? well, we still watch it…it’s just like never getting a saturation level on something bad. it’s like sugar. yea, i know…comparing news to sugar is very strange, but…i hope you get the point. mmm.

this office is nice. there’s air-conditioning.

anyway…right now cnn is presenting e-mails about the usa and iraq…and the rest of the world. when people believe in killing for the greater good, it’s dangerous…highly dangerous. i can understand being paranoid, but one problem is, the usa basically can press the button and wipe someone out…anytime. and that just isn’t the kind of world that anyone would want to live in. by using force, i think that basically, you’re just a terrorist…albeit a much bigger one. i don’t know…i also agree that one man with a grenade in his hand is just as bad as a batallion. what really makes you think is the fact that no one is scared to die for their beliefs now…and between the usa and iraq, it’d probably come down to which side sticks to its guns the most. but what do i know?…i’m just a guy with a mind. honestly, i don’t think that there’s a difference made in whether or not that guns are in the hands of the good guys or bad. i don’t want war…and i don’t think anyone does. it’s hard to say whether or not attacking anyone is necessary or even effective…it just makes a point that boys with toys will flaunt them no matter what.

life is scary.